JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT'S SAFE .....

Jessica texted me today to tell me that she unblocked me from facebook, but that she still isn't ready to friend me, and for me to please not rant and harp on her, that she "still needs time."

My first reaction was incredulity.  She really doesn't see it.  She continues to blame me for the enmity she feels toward me. 

I wish she was rational and I wish I could say:

"Time" for what? Time to go on sinning and not have your family, especially your mother, around to be reminders that what you're doing is wrong?  Check. 

Please don't "harp" or "rant" on me?  You mean like all those "lectures" I made you endure where I said things like: "Jessica, whichever direction you choose to go in, please just CHOOSE one!  It HAS to be YOUR choice.  Daddy and I cannot make those choices for you, but stop lying to us and stop living a double life.  You're lying to yourself as well.  Just be honest and choose.  If you came to us and told us that you want to do "x, y, and z", then we can work with that so long as you're being honest!  But where there is no honesty, there is no trust, and where there is no trust, there is no relationship."  I guess that's "forcing" or "ranting" or "harping".  Hormones!!!

For my part, I have finally come to accept that she WILL NOT SEE things in their true paradigm until she has a child of her own and that child either suffers due to Jessica's choices, or that child causes Jessica to suffer as much as she has caused me to suffer.  THEN she will begin to understand. 

Until then, we simply try to ignore her, not think about her, and we move on in our own lives.

I could not have made it through the past two months without my Savior.  I have come to Him in prayer, and read His word, and every time I have been comforted.  Jonathan, too, has been a great comfort to me.  Whereas my natural inclination after such a terrible betrayal on Jessica's part, is to not be able to see hope in Jonathan and Emily, thinking that one day they, too, might lie to me and hurt me as much as she has, and then protect myself against that, and make life even more miserable for them by imposing more boundaries.  However, I am thankful to say that Jonathan has turned out to be my shinning star on a dark and starless night!  He has more than EARNED our trust.  He does what he says he's going to do, he's where he says he's going to be, and, more importantly, the Spirit had never prompted me to check on him the way it did with Jessica, helping me finally understand that it wasn't me after all!  It truly WAS the Spirit. If I had been the one that was paranoid, then I would feel the same way with Jonathan!  But I don't!  It is SO NICE to have a teenager that you can trust, talk with, laugh with, and that you don't have to worry about "the other shoe falling" or worried that the Spirit might prompt you at any moment now with bad news.  He is pure in heart, and he is honest.  He's not perfect, but he's HONEST.  And he is not vulgar or lascivious in the least!  Those two things have made all the difference.  I wish Jessica had come to understand that 5 years ago!

I am grateful for my Savior, and for my son.  Because of Jonathan I feel hope in the future of both him and Emily.  He has made my life bearable and even enjoyable during this horrible trial. 

I am a blessed Mom and wife.  I have a clear conscience before my Maker.  I have done the best I knew how in raising my children, and have taught them the true principles of salvation.  I have begged and begged Jessica for the past two years to be honest with us.  Her refusing to do so has nothing to do with us, but herself.  It is sad to watch.  Sad to see her blame others, rather than accept her own responsibility and improve her life.

We pray the Lord will watch over her and that one day she may come back to the straight and narrow path and join her family again.  Because we love her.

MY SON IS NOW A HEPCAT!!

So exciting!  Jonathan learned swing dancing for the North Texas Regional Jubilee put on by The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints this summer. He LOVED swing dancing and caught on rather quickly.  As a result, he's been invited to join the quasi-professional LDS Swing (Hepcat) Dance Team!  He's THRILLED!  And his parents are very proud of him!

Not only that, but he continues to grow and develop in his singing and guitar playing!

Music is truly the language of the soul!

MOVING ON.....

You know, there is no easy way to do what I have to do. Our daughter is gone.  Bob was right all those years ago, "one day she's going to grow up and leave home, and never look back."  It has happened.  I am so sad for her.  Her patriarchal blessing says she'll have many dark days, and it tells her how to get through them, and even how to minimize them.  But it's all conditioned on her worthiness.  And, as we have taught her, "worthiness" means that you simply get back up each time you fall. That's what "worthiness" really is.  It doesn't mean you're perfect.  It means you do you very best.

Well, today I actually let her go.  I don't want anything more to do with her in this state of existence that she has chosen.  She has made it very clear she doesn't want us or need us, and she is happier without us.  I cannot go on and keep worrying over her, and loving her and thinking of her on a daily basis.  For one, that causes way too much pain, and for another it isn't real.  What is real is that I have two children at home who still need me.  I have a husband who needs me.  And I have ME who needs me.  The only way to move forward is to put her behind me. And so I have done.

If the day ever comes that she wishes to come to her senses, to humble herself, and to actually seek the professional help she so desperately needs, then we are here for her with open arms, and all the tender love of a parent.  But, like the prodigal son's father, we cannot just sit here mourning her, and waiting for her return.  We have lives that we must keep living.  And so we are.

It doesn't sound pretty, does it?  but it's what's right.  Our love for Jessica is forever.  We will help her whenever she honestly desires that help.  But until then, the only option is to let her go.  This is the only way she has chosen to learn from life.  I fear for her.  But I have left her in God's hands.  He can meet out consequences, both good and bad, much better than I ever could.

We wish her well.  We love her.  We will miss her.  And we look forward to the day we can see her again, embrace her and let her know again that we love her.

I feel better.  More "settled" with all this drama.  I feel more free to press forward now with our two youngest.  I am so thankful for the Gospel, for our family, and for such a wonderful husband.  I could never make it through life without him!  I truly am blessed!!! 

PERFECT PARENT SYNDROME

I have come to the conclusion that no matter whether you raise your children to believe that you are the All-Seeing God-Parent, or that you are a sin-filled, fallible Human-Parent, that your children will ALWAYS think of you as the PERFECT PARENT!

My father raised us kids to believe that he was the all-knowing, all-wise, God-parent.  Did he do it on purpose?  i don't know.  I just know that that is what we all thought, and that he actually vocally took pride in it at times.  So as I grew older I vowed that I would NEVER do that to our kids.  Our kids would KNOW that Bob and I are most definitely IMPERFECT, full of sin, full of weakness, and that one of the reasons Heavenly Father places the human in a family setting, is so that we can live together, come to know each other's weaknesses, forgive each other, over come our weaknesses AND OTHERS' weaknesses, and just "hold hands and love each other anyway"!

So, that is exactly what we did.  We taught our kids - practically every time we screwed up: "see?  we mess up too.  we make mistakes too.... NO ONE IS PERFECT!... so you should never listen to satan's discouraging thoughts he tries to put in your head that you just can't match up, and you might as well give up, because you'll never be perfect. Of COURSE you'll never be perfect! NONE of us are!"

We have taught all three of our kids this since the day they were born. I have taught them that especially - because it took me decades before I came to fully understand the power of the Atonement - and how the Atonement can apply in our lives.  I still don't comprehend it 100%, but I do enough to know that there is no sin that is too big that the Atonement won't cover.  There is ALWAYS HOPE in CHRIST. 

Well... evidently it doesn't matter that we taught them that.  Our oldest daughter has recently run away from home and she is fully convinced that she can never be as perfect as her parents are - specifically as perfect as her mother is.  Somehow she got it into her head that she is past hope, that the Atonement will cover everyone else on earth except her, and that somehow WE expect her to be perfect!!!

What!?!?!?!?  That is 100% opposite from all that we have ever lived and taught her!!  How could she possibly believe that?

I don't know.  All I now it that it didn't seem to make any difference that we taught our children that we are not perfect.  Because, I guess, in a child's eye, you - the parent - will forever be "perfect". 

Maybe it's just something that comes with with being born into this world, to a mother and father???
Maybe it's something that we just assume, deep down in our spirits, because, after all, we did just come from heaven, where our Mother and Father there ARE perfect.

I thought I'd do our kids a favor, by helping them learn early in life that their parents are far from perfect, and that perfection was never something that was expected of them.  Evidently, there is no such thing as teaching your kids that you are not a perfect person/parent. 

I don't know about any of you, but I find comfort in knowing that we are all sinners, and that we are all trying to endure well unto the end, and that we are all "in this together".

RUN-AWAY-DAUGHTER

Well, not much to say right now but that our daughter, Jessica, has run away.  I guess it's not called "running away" when the person is legally and "adult" at 20 yrs old.  But in essence that is what she did.


She has been struggling with bad choices the past 4 years.  We have tried to work with her, help her, counsel her, reach out to her, and allow her the agency she has to make her choices and suffer her own consequences.

It seems the more we tried, the more she rebelled.  She actually told us that her entire life had been one big lie.  From the time she was a toddler, she said, she would say "yes" to our face, but do "no" behind our backs.  How do you work with that?

It became painfully clear just last week that she desperately needs professional help.  We actually had an appointment, which she went to this past Tuesday, and then on Wed. morning - poof! - gone.  My heart breaks for our two younger kids. Emily has asked a couple of times "Why doesn't Jessica love us?" and Jonathan feels betrayed and deeply disappointed.

We know Jessica deep down.  She is a vibrant, intelligent, loving, fun, wanting-to-please-Heavenly-Father kind of girl.  When she sets her on mind on something, there is nothing that can stop her from achieving that!  She makes friends so so easily, and can blend in with any type of person or culture quite easily.  She is artistic in all her ways and has a natural God-given talent with all animals and in particular with horses.  She is a natural "horse whisperer"... she has been able to reach horses and get them to do things when no one else could, and that was all by her own teaching and reading books!!  She is truly amazing and has so much potential!  She has always been sensitive to the Spirit and has had many occassions where she had spiritual experiences and where her testimony of the Gospel grew.  So how could this have happened to her?

I know in part it's been that she has lied for so long, and eventually acted on all those "bad thoughts and desires" that she said she's had all her life, and then living under the enormous GUILT of it all, that finally it ended up affecting her thinking patterns.  Right now she feels so utterly unworthy that she truly has listened to the adversary and thinks there is no hope for her to repent.  She feels that she has gone past the point of no return and that the Atonement is not good enough or strong enough to cover her sins.

How do reach in to a person's head like that, and get them to understand how utterly wrong and ridiculous those thoughts are?  And get them to truly understand that the Atonement covers PRECISELY those multitude of sins!  That's what it's all about!  But she simply refuses to believe.  Plus - she's not ready to believe.  She WANTS to finish living out her dreams and desires.

Our concern is that when you go down that road, those particular dreams and desires turn from one bad thing, into a worse thing, into a purely evil thing, and it goes further downhill from there. 

But we have LET HER GO!  We have come to accept that she simply insists on learning things the hard way.  She must experience things and touch things for herself.  She's not satisfied until everything had been touched and tasted and done.  So... in a sense I guess we're glad that she is gone.  We love her and miss her, and we're not glad about all that she will be going through, but we are glad that the process has begun.  What process? The process of having her hit rock bottom, and then one day coming to her senses and realizing that that is not the life that will bring her true peace and true joy.  That is all she's looking for.  Peace, joy, love, acceptance.  I understand.  We all fall short, and we all sin.  We all wish we could do all the things we secretly want to do, and wish it was "ok" to do them.  I guess some of us have to actually DO THEM. 

So we wish her well.  We pray for her and for her safety.  And we pray that people will be placed along her path that will love her righteously and unconditionally, that will be able to reach out to her and/or be an influence for good in her life, and that will make such a difference in her life that heart will soften, and that her mind will become ready to accept the truths of the Gospel and repent, and turn her life around.

She has projected on us, and especially on to me all the frustration, enmity, and resentment of having always known what she was up to, and always trying to help her and call her back to repentance.  She has grown to hate us so much, that she has completely tried to block Bob and me out of her life completely. 

We thought we was living with Nate, the current boyfriend.  But now we believe she might be living with a lesbian gal.  Both this gal and Nate are bixsexuals.  Wow - today's youth are really messed up.  I feel so sorry for them, but even more so for Father in Heaven. I cannot imagine the pain He must feel when He watched us, His children, make bad choices.


We love our Jessica so very much.  We will have to leave her alone, and work out her own path, and just keep her in our prayers.  We are so thankful for the Gospel and that the four of us that are left can continue on in life and continue to feel joy and peace and happiness, as we try to keep our covenants and do the best can.  So thankful for the Atonement of the Savior, which we know will cover not only our sins, but will covers any sins that Jessica can think to commit.  We pray she will turn back to Father in Heaven one day.

That's her below... she looks so "happy" doesn't she?  It's all fake. Evidently, it always has been according to her. :'(

SOMETHING'S IN THE AIR TODAY...

... And it's not just me.  I've already read like 3 or 4 facebook friends state today that they are glad the day is OVER!  ME TOO!  Let's see - here's what's been on my plate lately:

1.)  Our beautiful daughter has been making so many bad choices in the past 4 years that we had to invite her to move out.  She continued making bad choices and her kind, sweet, roommate (who was her visiting teacher and had taken her in to give her a chance and opportunity to turn things around), also found herself having to invite her to move out... after only 10 days.  Now, another sweet and big-hearted friend has offered to let her move in.  The bad thing is this friend is very young, married only 9 months and has financial and marital difficulties to overcome herself. The last thing she and her husband need is our daughter's problems.  But they don't have the blessing of wisdom that comes with age and experience. So they opened their home, and in their eyes it's a great thing because now they can all "split" the rent.  Meanwhile, our lovely daughter is unrecognizable to us. She has been passive-aggressive, defiant, and down right stubborn, and all while putting on a "good face" and making everyone around her (including her family, her Church friends, her boyfriend, and her non-Church friends) think that she's doing "Fantabulous", she's responsible, she's got everything under control, and nothing is going to stop her.  God bless her and watch over her.  As a parent, I can say this is the hardest thing I've ever done.  To just sit back and watch her ruin her life, knowing that there is nothing we can say or do that will change her mind and help her see that her paradigm is really, really messed up.  May Heavenly Father bless us all.  I cannot go through this without His help.  None of us can.  We do the best we can.  We have taught our children correct principles.  She knows better.  But she also has her agency and no one, including us, can take that from her.  Nor should we.  The Spirit has told us to let her go. This is how she insists on "learning".  So be it.  But let me tell you, it is very heart-wrenching to say "no" when your own child asks if they can come back home "just until (they) find a roommate?"  "No."

2.)  It seems that every single year when there is General Conference that our plumbing decides it's time to have problems.  So it was this time.  Like an alarm clock, our Bathrooms (two of them) over flowed with toilet water coming up from the base of the toilet.  It was Saturday night when it happened, and Home Depot and other stores were already closed.  Bob went on the Sabbath to buy a chemical to flush down the toilet and see if that would help.  That way he wouldn't have to work and get nasty-dirty if he didn't need to on the Sabbath.  But no, the chemical didn't work.  So today after work he got home, put on his grubbies and went to work on the plumbing with our great son, Jonathan.  It's been 4 hours now, and they finally fixed it!  Yay!  Now... I'm thinking that in October when we have the next General Conference we'll just rent the machinery from Home Depot on Friday, so that we'll be ready for the weekend!

3.)  Is it just us, or is everyone feeling the terrible WEIGHT of Obama's STUPID decision to "end" the recession by plunging us into a bigger recession? Gas prices are almost tripled.  Food prices too.  Clothing is doubled.  Everything has increased in price.  I no longer have enough in my "allowance" to make ends meet. So several things are going to have to "give".  It's only three days past payday and I'm completely out of money!  Nothing depresses me more nor faster than not having ANY money to cover those expenses for the next two weeks:  where will I get the money to buy that bread, eggs, or milk that will surely run out before next paycheck?  What about personal hygiene items, fruits and veggies?  What about ... oh you get what I mean.  It is so depressing!  The "silver lining" to this is that we have lived by cash alone since 1995.  So we are not in debt (other than cars and mortgage of course) and we do not owe anything or anybody.  We just make sure we pay our tithing and fast offerings, and we put our trust and faith in Heavenly Father.  He has ALWAYS taken care of us and watched over us. We have never lacked for food, shelter and clothing so long as we were faithful in paying our tithing and fast offerings. 

4.)  Earlier today our oldest daughter (see #1 above) posted on her facebook that she needs a job.  Wow. She got fired. She calls it "quitting" - her boss simply stopped giving her hours, for the past three weeks!  He would tell her to come in and then she would sit there for two hours "waiting to be clocked in" and finally he'd say "we won't need you today after all".  After three weeks she finally caught on.  So she "quit".  Well, at least that way this employer doesn't have to pay her unemployment now.  So now, because I'm forever a mother and will never stop being a mother, I am worried about her financial situation too.  But I'm trying hard to put it behind me and not think about it.  That is her life, her choices, her consequences.  We have taught her that she lives up to her covenants and the Lord's commandments, the Lord will bless her.  As soon as she stops, He withdraws His blessings.  A couple of weeks ago I saw this coming on, when they hired a full time gal to work as cashier and put Jessica "outside" again (selling carwashes)... which is something she had not done well at before.  So I knew then that she was on the way out.  But her OVERLY positive attitude kept her from seeing it. 

So... I sit here typing.  I'm stressed.  I feel alone.  I feel frustrated.  I feel anxious.  I feel like my house is falling apart (so many things need to be repaired or replaced!) I feel like my daughter is going further and further into the Great and Spacious building (read about that vision of the prophet Lehi HERE.)  I feel like my husband is tired of hearing my worries.  I feel like I've been less of a mother to my kids than I should have been.  I feel like there is a power of darkness is trying hard to tear our family to pieces.  But when I feel all these things, I remember my Savior and what He has done for me (for all of us!)  I remember the great love He has for me.  I remember that the powers that are pulling for me on the other side, are greater than the powers of darkness that are trying to pull me down.  I listen to music from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and I can't help but feel His Spirit envelop me and calm me.  I read the Scriptures and I am reminded of what is real and true and what is of most value. 

All these things will be for my good.  Of that I am confident.  I know that the Lord will not give us more than we can handle.  In Elder Gibbons talk during the Sunday afternoon session of General Conference he made reference to the fact that when we have difficult children or problem children in our lives, perhaps we need to think more in terms of: "The Lord knew I would need this experience just as much as my son/daughter would need this experience."  That by going through this it would "polish" me and help me grow in patience and wisdom.  It is actually helping me become whom I was intended to become.  The same can be said for Jessica.

So, I will continue pressing forward, with an eye single to the glory of God.  I know in whom I have place my trust.  He is my Redeemer, the Savior of the world.  In Him, and through Him, all things are possible and will work together for the good of those who place their faith and trust in Him.  I am so thankful for the knowledge that the true Gospel of Jesus Christ brings into my life.  It is truly a lamp unto my path. 


So, yes... today was a horrible day.  But tomorrow the sun will rise and it will be a new opportunity to live my life again.  Today is done.  Time to focus on renewing myself for tomorrow. I love my Father Heavenly and I love my Savior.  I love my husband and my children and I look forward to the day that we will spend eternity together, working for the glory of God and having put disease, evil, problems, and other "issues" behind us. :)

TEN DAYS IN THE LIFE OF.... US

Here are some photos of what's been going on lately in our home....

On February 10th Bob and I celebrated our 22nd Wedding Anniversary!  Has it really been that long?  Sometimes it feels like it, other times it feels like it was just yesterday!

He took me to Fogo de Chão - a Brazilian Churrascaria.  Basically you feel like you eat an entire farm worth of animals. Chicken, Pork, Lamb, Beef, you name it. Cooked in all sorts of ways.  Their salad bar is amazing:  quail eggs, asparagus, all sorts of salads and fruits, and all the vegetables you can imagine prepared in yummy delicious ways! Their staff and service are excellent.  VERY attentive and well-mannered.  Their dessert is delicious.

This is the face my beloved makes when he tastes something that is super-oober delicious... I HAD to catch it on film for posterity's sake! haha!

Speaking of which, we were so full we didn't order dessert, but when our waitress found out it was our anniversary, she brought us a beautiful dessert to celebrate - on the house!  Yummy "Pastel de Tres Leches" (cake that is soaked with three different kinds of milk after baking.)

And to top off the evening - one of my very favorites!  FLOWERS!!!  I know that roses are "the" flower, and while I love all flowers, Carnations are my very favorite! I love how they look like lace, they smell like flower-scented powder, and they LAST FOREVER!  And you can't go wrong with "happy" daisies!! It made my heart happy! :)

Moving on.... At the end of last week I finished all the levels of a fun iPhone application called "Let's Create Pottery!"  Here are a couple of samples that I created....

Now if I could only do it in real life! Wouldn't that be FUN!?

Also, I recently joined a produce co-op that tries to get as much "local" and organic produce as is possible.  It's only $15 per "basket" (bi-monthly) and the produce is the BEST I've ever seen.  Huge, fresh, and delicious!  I think I'm hooked!

Earlier this week Bob went to Portland, Oregon, on a quick business trip.  While there he thought he'd go check out the Portland Temple.

He also brought Emily back a little surprise:  some cute heart-shaped earrings that have ash inside them from Mt. St. Helen's.  She was so happy about it, especially since she's been taking a Geology class at our homeschool co-op and has learned a bit about volcanoes and volcano ash! :)

Bob and Emily went to Walmart tonight where she found this pink pig pillow pet, which reminded her of me.  So she asked Bob to take a picture of it and send it to me.  He did.  And it warmed my heart.  I heart piggies!  (see her new earrings she's wearing!?)

Here is a picture of what I do with my salad greens.... (thought I'd share my little secret)....

I put a damp paper towel on the bottom of the tupperware, made damp by cold water.  Then I tear up the lettuce, mix it all with Baby Spinach and put it in the bowl and cover it with another cold-water dampened paper towel.  Put the lid on and you're good to go.  I don't know why, but the paper towels make all the difference!

And finally tonight Emily put on a "Webkinz Birthday Party" for Lily (black lab), Sofie (pink cockatoo), and Saphira (pink dragon) along with Josefina (the "Mexican" American Girl doll.)  She is my little homemaker and took great care to arrange the Twinkies in just the right way. We hold a Webkinz Birthday Party almost each month to "celebrate" that/those Webkinz special days.  Really, it's only an excuse to have Ding Dongs or Twinkies which I would never buy otherwise.  I haven't had Twinkies in about a year, and when I ate one tonight it tasted so blah and bland.  Yuck!  All it tasted like was lard.  But don't tell Emily I said that. :)

THE PRODIGAL

I've learned something new.

I've been thinking about the story of the prodigal son lately (Luke 15:11-32).  And here is what I've come to learn and understand:

The son insisted, through word and action, that he knew what was best, he knew what he wanted.  So the father, after seeing that all his counsel and talks were of no effect, finally let his son go.  But he did not follow him.  He did not check up on him.  He did not enable him either.  He did not help him in any way.  He simply allowed his son to leave and go live "in the world." 

We know that eventually the son learned his lesson, as life always has a way of teaching us.  He returned, hoping to become a servant. But the father rejoiced and took him in. 

That doesn't mean the son received again all of his inheritance.  No.  He had foolishly spent it.  So all that the Father had now belonged to the son who had remained by the father's side.  He had been true and faithful.  But the prodigal son was at least able to enjoy their company and be with them.

As a parent, it is hard when we teach our child one thing, and they insist, through action and/or word that they know better, and they want something other than what you taught them.  But they must learn for themselves.  And it's ok.  The Lord watches over each of us.  So there is no safer place to leave our daughter, but in the Lord's hands.

I just pray that she learns her lesson sooner than later.  I love my little prodigal so much!

I love the Lord and am thankful for the Scriptures that teach us all we need to know to overcome our trials in life and endure well to the end.

LORD, WHICH PART IS MINE?

No one told me how HARD it would be to be a mother. But I think deep down, instinctively, I knew.  I think all women know.

Lately I've had a hard load to haul. Our eldest is going through some tough times. While my heart goes out to her, it also must remain sane, firm, leveled, rational, mature, and in-tune with the Spirit.  I do have two other children that still need me and depend one me daily after all.  Ever heard of "tough love"?  That is what I'm having to dish out.  I hate it.  I think it is most definitely the toughest thing a mother has to do.

Without disclosing the particulars, one can only believe The Little Boy That Cried Wolf so many times before your heart becomes numb and stops believing all together.  Then it is a long, long road back to trust again.  She says "I mean it this time," but how can that be measured while looking through the glass of time (as recently as 24 hours) and hearing the echoes of promises made and broken?  One cannot.

The question comes to mind: "How oft shall I forgive?  Until seventy times seven?"  Yes.  What about "forget"?  There are some things you cannot forget.  At least not until the danger is past.  Another question that comes to mind: "What is the difference between "NEVER give up hope" and "never give up HOPE"?"  I'm having to learn that one the hard way.  The jury is still out on that one, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I should remember that through Christ ALL things are possible, but also they are possible really only when the person involved opens their heart and soul up to Christ and not only INVITES Him to enter, but ALLOWS Him to change their heart.  So I should NEVER give up HOPE THROUGH CHRIST, but it's normal, and even OK to give up on "expectations" from the troubled person, while completely leaving them in the Lord's hands, and trusting His timing and omnipotence.

The Lord sends these precious, valiant Spirits to us, to raise, nurture, guide, teach, love, and show them the way back to Him.  He entrusted US with this child for very specific reasons.  When does it stop being "I'm not giving up hope, and I will always do what I can to help my child!" and when does it start being "she's taking advantage of the love, the situation, the help, and has no true intention of changing the heart"?  When is the right moment to allow the Prodigal to LEAVE the home?  The father of the Prodigal did not KEEP his son home after so much evidence that the son WANTED to lead a different life.  He did not allow the son home, either, UNTIL the son was truly repentant and prepared to change his heart.  As a parent, I have found that it is not easy to know where that fine line is drawn in the sand.  And my heart wants to skip ahead to the part where the Prodigal returns and I can joyfully embrace that child in my arms, and shed tears of joy, for my child that was once lost, is found again.  But if I did that, it would thwart the entire process.

And so I pray.  I talk with my eternal companion. I study the scriptures.  I listen to the Spirit's whispers.  And I watch to see the "fruit" that falls from this child's "tree".  That is the best I can do.  It is the best anyone can do.  Then I hold to my faith. That same faith that has proved me herewith. That same faith that has carried me through the valleys of the shadows of death so many times. That same faith that has shone and lit the way for me as a beacon upon the open seas as the storms of life have come crashing down around me.  That same faith that is like an old, comfortable friend of mine.

Tonight, the "tough love" experiences have begun with our youngest.

It's funny, at this age.  She is deathly afraid of "bugs."  She saw some ants in the girl's bathroom about 2 years ago. Since that time, she has refused to shower or go potty in there.  Wow.  Really?  (I say that so easily, because I'm not 9 years old, and I'm not afraid of bugs.)  Well, recently we have had a problem with Carpenter Ants in the Master Bedroom.  You can see some of the ant "droppings" (bug parts) on the carpet, next to the wall, by the bathroom door.  (I'm waiting for Bob to get home so he and Jonathan can "fix" this problem).  So, she refused to go in the bathroom tonight, even though she had to potty really badly.  I decided to try to "lovingly" coerce her into going potty alone... "so she can learn".  So I played tough.  For AN HOUR AND A HALF!!!

After 1.5 hours of crying, tears, buggers, and "talks", she wrote me anote and brought it in.  Mind you, by this time she had "held" it so long, that she no longer needed to go!!!

Her note read (and I type in original spelling)" "Mama you dont noe haw sorey I am.  But I cant go to the bathroom witawt you. I'm so so so so sory"

My heart softens and breaks for this valinat little girl.  I'm trying to teach her something that she needs to learn.  But here gain - where is that fine land in the sand?  When is it the right time FOR HER to "learn" this "lesson"?  For some kids it's when they are 2 years old.  For others when they are 5, and yet others when they are 10.  Maybe even later.  Maybe never. 

This is when my memory goes back in time and remembers the greatest piece of parenting advice I think I have ever received.  It came from my dear friend's mother.  This sweet lady had 9 children.  ALL of them are wonderful, righteous men and women today.  NONE of them had "issues" with sex, drugs, alcohol, or anything other "bad" thing.  They're not perfect, but they are above average on the "good kid" scale.  So I asked her:  "How did you do it?"  Her answer was that it was more a process of elimination rather than a process of "choosing".  They didn't know too well what they wanted to teach their kids when they first started out, but they certainly knew what they did NOT want their children to learn.  But by far the most important thing is to remember that YOU are called upon by GOD to raise this child.  YOU, and ONLY YOU (and your husband) have the Divine authority to receive revelation and inspiration with regard to this child.  NO EXPERT will ever know better than YOU what this child will need if you follow the Lord's guidance. The Holy Ghost will tell you the truth of ALL things - especially where your child is concerned.  Do not listen to the experts.  Listen to the Spirit. 

I have.  And it has proven INVALUABLE to me.  So... why do I still find it hard to remember that sometimes? Why do I find it hard to DO?  Perhaps because I am still human and this carnal nature of mine wants to take over and have complete control over situations.  But I have to do what I can to remember that I am not the one in control.  God is. 

So, I turn to Him.  I rely on Him.  I trust in Him.  Wholly.

I LOVE our children.  It HURTS SO MUCH to have a child turn from everything you know to be true and right, and to passively-aggressively and purposely do the opposite due to enmity toward you.  All because they made wrong choices years ago, and those choices have now led them to a place a misery, un-trustworthyness, pride, and enmity.  It is SO CLEAR for Bob and me to "see" the path that has led her to where she is.  SO CLEAR to "see" WHY she is filled with enmity, confusion, anger, frustration, anxiety, loneliness, and self-doubt.  And it is SO EASY to see the path that she needs to take to get back to safety, peace, and true joy.  But it is nigh impossible to describe it all to that child.  Especially as they are filled with all those negative emotions and thoughts. 

Satan truly is wise, patient, and sneaky.  He can wait for generations, before biting his victims. 

But the Lord is greater still.  And the Power of His Holy Priesthood will reign supreme.  And I, for one, am eternally THANKFUL that His one true Gospel is in my life, shinning that beacon on my path and lighting the way to a brighter tomorrow.

Whether or not our children end up living their lives as we have taught them, will have to be up to them. This is a lesson I have been learning and internalizing the past four years.  Believe me, it is a hard lesson to swallow.  I am finally beginning to see the reality that the "real" relationship here is the one between my dear, sweet husband and me.  Not the one with our children or extended families.  I don't mean to say that those relationships don't matter.  Of course they do.  But the ONE relationship (aside from my relationship with God) that will matter most in Eternity, is the one I have with Bob.  Nothing should be allowed to damage that relationship, not even our relationships with our children.  For one day those children will be gone and living their own "Eternal" relationships with their own spouses, and the two people left in our home will be just that:  Bob and me.  No one else.  The time will be gone when we can raise and teach and train our children. 

For our eldest that time is almost past.  At almost 21 years old she has been taught and is now NEEDING to be away from the "nest" and flying on her own.  She must make her own decisions, and live with her own consequences, without interference from me and without my "reminders" that the path she is on is not the right one.

Perhaps for her, sadly, the wrong path might be the needed path - at least for a while. I would pray not.  But I must trust that the Lord will watch over her much better than I ever could, and if HE is able to "let her go", then certainly I must too.

This is the lesson I have learned in the past 24 hours.  I must let her go. 

It will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my earthly life. No question about that.

As for our youngest - some pest control, vacuuming, and TLC will do the trick for now.  But I wonder:  "what awaits down the road for her in 10 more, short, years?"


At times like these, I like to listen to this song by Michael McLean. It's titled "Which Part Is Mine?"  You can LISTEN HERE - and you can read the LYRICS HERE.

LOVING THESE "CABIN FEVER" DAYS!

Lately we've a had A LOT of snow (for Texas!) and we've been LOVING it! :)

Of course, that means that we've also been house-bound.  Now, I have read alot on facebook from various folks how its driving them crazy to be house-bound with their kids.  Most of the mothers "can't wait" until school starts again and have their kids gone and occupied.  They feel like they have to occupy their kids at home round-the-clock, hence at the end of the 3rd or 4th day of "snow bound"edness they are tired and ready to ship their kids back to school. 

I have found that reading these posts makes my heart sad for those kids.  Sad for the families.  I LOVE having my kids at home and being "house-bound" with them, and just have "down time" where we don't have schedules, classes, etc., dictating our schedule.  Now, don't get me wrong, we have plenty of our share of arguing or other issues, but by and large I love being home with my kids.  I love to have them around. I love to see my kids learn new things and see that 'light of understanding' go off inside their heads.  I love to be there by their side when they make new discoveries, or better yet when I help them make those new discoveries. You can see it in their eyes! It's exciting.  I feel like sending them off to school every day would be akin to sending off your baby to the sitters and only hearing about the time the child learned to walk, or hearing about the time your child learned to hold the cup by themselves, or the first time they learned to go potty.  No thank you.  I love being at home with my kids.  I love to be there when all those crucial and "destiny-shaping" moments happen.

Now, I'm fully aware that most of us are products of the very "conveyor belt" factory we call public education in this nation.  For a few years, from 8th grade through 12th grade, I was too.  And we do tend to believe that it is the best way,... in fact, the only true way, to educate.  Thank heavens though I was raised in a place and time that was much different, and as I look back on it now, I have come to realize that my primary education, (grades K-5th,) actually took place in a HOME school.  I could hardly believe it when I really sat down and pondered it. 

I grew up attending a private school that was held in the teacher's home.  The older sister taught grades K-1st, and the younger sister taught grades 2nd-5th.  We were all together in one class room.  We all had to buy our own desks.  I remember mine was cool because it was not only solid wood, but it was painted a cool dark teal color! I loved it.  We would do Math separately, but all other subjects we would work on together.  The teacher would bring out real-life objects to teach us lessons.  I remember learning about the parts of a fruit by watching her (and sometimes helping her) peel an orange, study the parts, and eat the orange.  I remember learning about the parts of a flower by cutting one of her flowers off the bush and bringing it in and tearing it apart carefully to see all its "parts."  I remember being assigned CHAPTERS  of history or science that our grade would have to copy into our notebooks, while she was busy Math to the other grade(s).  I remember the other kids in other grades copying THEIR chapters into their notebooks while our grade did Math. I remember that part of our education was cleaning her home.  She had a big colonial style home where the house surrounded the yard.  She would send two of the older kids to the store around the corner with cash to buy cleaning supplies, etc.  She would ALWAYS questions us about the amount she gave us, the amount the supplies cost, and the amount we got back in change, and we'd have to tell her if that was the correct change.  I remember us kids taking turns selling treats at recess time.  Three cookies for $0.20.  We'd have to make change.  We'd have to count the money earned that day.  I also remember the older boys (5th graders) would be called upon to go out into the yard, into the chicken coop, and pick out the chicken she had designated, and then kill the chicken.  They would grab it by the neck, swing it over head many times over to "twist" the next  real tight, then with one swell whoop of the arm/wrist, they would "throw" the chicken down to the ground while maintaining their hold on the head.  This would break the head off the chicken, and I remember the bodies, every single time, would hit the ground then start running around the yard!  It was so interesting to watch.  Hence I got first-hand experience what it meant when I first heard the saying "running around like a chicken without my head on." :)

We would also be called upon to clean the chicken coop, gather the eggs, separate them into dozens, and our favorite part:  adopting a baby chick east spring when they were born.  There were enough for everyone to adopt one.  We'd help take care of it and feed it until it grew up.  Then the next year, we'd adopt another chick. SO SOFT AND FLUFFY!

Each year we'd also help her set up her huge Nativity set.  This is no ordinary Nativity!  We'd begin by clearing what was akin to the "entry waiting area" (like a small family room.)  We'd set up two long tables in an "L" shape then put buckets, books, boxes, etc. all over them to create "hills".  Then we'd cover it with a homemade "background" paper (I have no idea what it was made out of, but it was awesome!)  This was multi-colored painted to look like dirty, grass, rocks, etc.  Then another "background" on the wall that was painted to look like the night sky - stars, even a comet! and of course the Star of Bethlehem.  Then we'd go to work on the Nativity - my favorite part was the "pond" made by using an oblong mirror piece with the sides covered with spanish moss and other "plants" then placing the geese and ducks on it. It looked like a REAL pond!  Then there were adobe houses (lit on the inside with tiny Christmas lights), shepherds on the hills with all their flocks, trees, bushes, farm animals, and of course the Holy Family and the Three Wise Men.  I remember one year she won the city's Nativity Contest. It was an amazing Nativity set. 

These sisters provided a homeschool for us kids.  We learned to do chores, run errands, handle a small business, do "farm work," and more.  She's take us to Church too for special events like Lent/Easter, etc. (She was Catholic).  She even has US teach the younger kids the Catholic Catechism, which, by the way, she told me I was her best teacher! Haha! Go figure! I wasn't even Catholic!

This was a true homeschool in every sense.  I learned the most from this teacher, even though at the time I didn't want to admit that. From 8th grade through 12th grade I did not need to study one whit, because I had already learned all that stuff from this humble private "home-school" in Mexico.  I was bored in school from 8th-12th grade. And because I didn't need to study during those years, I actually forgot how to study and had to re-learn that little trait when I went off to BYU to attend college!

So, back to main point.... I love to homeschool and I feel so blessed and thankful to be able to do it with my kids.  Yes, it's very hard to do.  Especially with today's kids who, through osmosis, seem to absorb this attitude of entitlement from the world around them and the media of the day.   They feel much more comfortable telling ol' Mom "I don't want to", when they would rarely think of saying such a thing to a stranger they call "teacher" in public school.  But the benefits far out-weight the costs. 

For one, we don't suffer cabin fever by staying home together.  Also, I have noticed the two times we did put our kids in public school, that when kids are in public school, they tend to have so many physical rules they must follow while at school that unnatural for a child at that age (the standing in lines with your hands behind your back, or the waiting for bathroom time at certain times of days, or the no talking or moving at all for the majority of the day, etc.etc.) that they tend to go wild when they get home.  They have SO much pent-up energy within that they explode.  They also learn quickly to be told what to do almost every minute of the day, so they are not allowed to lead out on their own and in their own direction. They *must* follow the 'norm'.  They become accustomed to being "entertained" every minute of the day, instead of learning to entertain themselves and develop their own patterns and imagination in the way that is most natural for them. Hence when they get home, and if they are "house-bound" for any amount of time, it's no wonder why they drive their parents insane!  I did notice, too, that the public school institution tends to separate siblings more than unite them.  When you study John Dewey (the "father" of modern public education), you learn that one of his objectives in designing the public school system the way he did was to separate the siblings by ages, and in due time this would help separate the entire family so that these kids could grow up believing in and learning what the Government/system was needing them to believe/learn rather than what the parents wanted their children to believe/learn.  It's all sad and evil.  Just one more ploy of Satan's to separate the family. But most people today don't have any idea what is behind public education.  If they did, they would NEVER even think of sending their precious children off to be indoctrinated in the "school" system.  And sadly, most LDS people have no idea of how the Prophets of this last dispensation pleaded and begged the members of the Church to NEVER entrust their children to the "free government schools," for it would be the ruin of our families.  Well, the members didn't listen.  Like the ancient Israelites in Joshua's day, they didn't want to stay put and follow the Lord's way.  They wanted to be and do as their neighbors did.  So, just as in Joshua's day, the Lord and His Prophets finally gave up and, in essence, said "ok - if this is what you're going to insist on doing, I cannot force you to do it the right way. I guess you'll have to learn the hard way."  So ever since that time the prophets have urged us to have Family Home Evening, to teach teach teach our kids inside our home, and to stay close to what they are doing in public schools as much as possible.  They gave us Seminary as well, and they constantly advise us to do these things to keep SOME sort of a protective barrier around our children as they learn and grow in this world. 

If anyone reads this and is interested in learning all about the standing of the LDS Church in regards to education please read the greatest book ever written on the subject titled "Revealed Educational Principles and the Public Schools" by Jack Monnett, PhD (1999).  VERY interesting, insightful, and educational reading!!!  You can purchase it HERE.  I think it costs about $16.00.

Anyway - I'm THANKFUL I can home school.  The more I do it, the more convinced I become that it is the best educational option in today's world.  It may not be what the Lord's way of doing school - only because no one supported those kinds of schools, so we don't have them any more.  But it is most definitely the second best.  I WISH we lived in a time and place that allowed and believed in and supported the Lord's model of schools.  But perhaps that's to be saved for the next life. 

Now, all that being said, I must add a small disclaimer that I do not believe that all kids get ruined in public schools.  I think there a very few who are able to participate in such an endeavor and come out the better for it.  However, I believe that's a very small few when compared to all of humanity in this world.  By comparison, I believe that as you look at, and compare, percentages, that homeschooled kids fare 99% better than their public school counter parts when it comes to not only their education but more importantly to their mental, spiritual, emotional, and even physical well-being.

I used to be a firm believe in the public school system.  I used to "one of them".  It has taken me years of research and study and pondering and praying to come to the place I am now.  Experience is a great teacher.  I hope that one day my children will be able to do as they currently hope to do, and that is to home educate their own children.  It truly is the most natural way to educate and learn.  Do it together!

I'm happy to be snowed-in and "house-bound".  I love being with my family and not have to worry about places to go and schedules to keep. Even taking into consideration all our craziness! ;9)  <--- that's my piggy smiley!